So my last infertility update was about Father’s Day and how hard that was for me. Wishing my husband could be a father and wishing I could make that happen. A lot has changed in this past year, but that part still remains. Last fall I decided to finally go the medical route of getting answers, all previous answers were from a naturopath. While I agreed with my diagnosis of PCOS, I wanted to know if I actually had any cysts on my ovaries and how my hormones were doing.
Let me tell you a little about the infertility world, it can be SLOW!! I tried to get an appointment with my new OB in October, and my first appointment with her was in February. Four months later!!!! I am glad I waited for her though, because she truly has been awesome. She said she did not want to waste my time and ordered all the tests to be done with a follow up in May. I had a ultrasound (no biggee, althoug I never throught my first ultrasound would be of an empty womb). The best part of the ultrasound — Matthew came with me. I have had to do so much of this stuff on my own, due to his scheule. I had this fear that I would be parenting alone as well. So even though he could not come into the room with me, I ws so glad he was there waiting for me outside. Also, I thought the empty womb would make me sad, but it was right around Easter and I kept thinking of the hope and joy from the empty tomb. So surprisingly my empty womb is a sign of hope, of promises to be fulfilled!
The other big test is the HSG. It stands for something crazy, but basically it means they pump dye in your tubes to make sure there are no blockages. I was not excited about this, as I heard it was painful. So I opened up to my community. I posted about my breakdown the week before, about being overwhelmed, about the truly medical feeling of all of this. I shared how I was scared and feeling out of control, but yet realizing I was still in control — I could say no at any point. And I wanted answer, so I chose to move foward, asking for prayer. I was blown away by the love poured out over me. So many people let me know they were praying for me. I received texts of encouragement, messages of women in the same place who didn’t know who to reach out to, and advice and love from women who had been through it.
The test in itself was not too bad, super awkward for sure, but not excruciating. Nothing went as planned (seriously that has been this entire journey) and I ended up lying on that cold x-ray table by myself for 45 minutes. At first I kinda broke down, I felt so alone, stripped of everything. I couldn’t even utter a song or verse. So I grabbed onto my necklace and asked Jesus to come. And he did. I felt Him walk into that room, grab my hand, and tell me that he had and always would be by my side. That I am not in this journey alone, that he will always be walking with me, holding my hand, carrying me, weeping with me. I knew that He did not like seeing me in so much pain. Then the peace flowed, and the tears were for an entirely different reason. Hebrews 12:1-3 were going through my mind on repeat. Another cool part to that story? A friend ha been praying specifically that I would tangibly feel His presence. Whoa. I’m getting chills just thinking about it!
The next few weeks were filled with conversations with Matt. I was pretty sure clomid was the next step, and I was not sure how I felt about it. Not necessarily that it would not work, but what if it did? Was I ready for my entire life to change? And feeling like I should not have those thoughts. That as someone with infertility I should not question pregnacy or babies, that I was not allowed to be scared. A talk with my Mom assured me that it was ok to be scared. That it is natural. That it would be crazy if I was not thinking those things. Once I accepted my fear, we were ready to move forward, well as ready as I would ever be.
Last week I met with my OB and she confirmed what has been told to me for the past three years: I have PCOS, my hormones are a mess, and I have follicles on my ovaries. Lovely. Next step? Clomid (to force ovulation) and Metformin (to regulate my blood sugar / hormones). Possible side effects? Nausea, mood swings, general crazyness. The kicker? Based on my cycle I would start that day. Since Matt and I had already discussed it, I knew that it was time to fill prescriptions and get started. Looking back (ok its been 4 days), I have to laugh. Every step has been weird. I have felt like I have had to advocate and fight for myself so many times. I think this is preparing us for parenthood. Iam learning wisdom, discretion, and the art of being really nice so people will help you. hah So that’s where we are at. I’ve started clomid and metformin, my acupuncturist is helping with supportive treatments. If I’m crazy over the next few months, that’s why. And if I’m sipping on water and not wine, it could just be because the metformin can make you super nauseous, not necessarily that there’s a little Nadalet. Lol