This post is pretty raw, so bear with me. Mmmkay. Thanks! I’m adding lots of pictures because they are happy and fun. And I’m sappy and emotional. But still hopeful and joyful, please know that. I try to wrap it up with a pretty bow at the end. I’m not sure if I do, but dang if I tried!!
Let me start by saying I love my nephew. He is the most adorable kiddo ever and I love spending time with him. But it hasn’t always been easy for me. I remember finding out his Momma was pregnant and I was excited for her, but it was also really hard for me. At that time we had been trying for a few years to get pregnant to no avail, and now she had that positive test that stuck. I remember talking to God and asking what’s wrong with me that I don’t get to be a Mom yet. God showed me that me being an auntie had nothing to do with me being a mother. Nothing would change this precious time for my wonderful sis in love or for us and our nephew. Once I realized that, it made it easier. God showed me that right now I get to love on my nephew, that Matthew does too. That he gets to be extra adored by us because we do not have any children yet. What a lucky little man, right?
But sometimes it is still hard. I’ve watched Matthew blossom into an amazing uncle with little J. Matthew never really held kids before. I mean he kinda treated little ones like they would explode and would stay five feet away. It was funny. With J, it’s never been like that. He picked him up from the first time he met him and loves holding him now. Watching them interact is so sweet. J is now at the fun toddler stage and loves making faces and dancing with Uncle Matt. They had a blast at my party, although Jackson was NOT a fan of the fake mustache! At one point I looked over and both Matthew and Jackson were giggling hard. Why? Because Matthew was holding him and letting him splash in the fountain, and Jackson was getting them both wet. It was adorable!
Every once in awhile tho, a little twinge of sadness hits me. Matthew will be an amazing dad. I’m watching him interact with J and just know it’s a preview of what’s to come. It makes me sad that I haven’t been able to give him a kiddo yet. It’s something that I can see in both of our eyes. Tender love, but a little sadness that it still isn’t our time yet. It’s something that is hard to describe. It’s something I don’t really talk about. I don’t want anyone to feel bad. It’s not their fault. You know? And it’s not that I don’t want them spending time together. I love it. I laugh at the way they play games and chase each other around the house. I don’t want to take away from the goodness of that. But it’s just that. A dichotomy. Goodness and sadness. Joy and a little weeping. But that’s how life is.
People have asked how I handle all (ok really not all but thanks to facebook it seems like a lot) of my friends getting pregnant and having kids while I’m left in the dust. Honestly there is a great and amazing peace that comes from God. He fills up those sad days with laughter, so that pain is just a twinge. And I watch my friends transition naturally into the role of parents and I see their kids blossom. I love spending time with other families. Meeting new babies. Playing with kiddos. Even changing diapers. I don’t want my pain to take away from their joy. Or from my joy for them. I can say that I am truly happy when my friends have kids. I don’t feel left in the dust because they include me in their lives. It’s the same with our nephew. I love him to pieces and am so grateful to have him nearby. It’s funny to see him act when we come into the room, he starts dancing when he sees Matthew and says cheese when he sees me (because he know’s we’re gonna take a selfie).
I wish I had some glorious conclusion after all of that word vomit and the cute pictures. But I don’t. haha Maybe it’s National Infertility Awareness Week that has this on my mind, maybe just lots of time with family recently. I dunno. Lets try this….
I love watching Matthew be uncle. It is truly a delight. But part of me is a little sad that he’s not dad yet. All in good timing, though! I know it will happen someday soon, and then not only will our son have two loving parents and aunts and uncles, but an older cousin to tell him or her all the secrets of life. How awesome is that??!!