I started taking Clomid a couple of months ago. A couple of failed months ago, if you use the proper infertility terminology. Five days ago we started round 3. Someone lovingly told me it builds up in your system. And let me tell you my friends, that is true!
The first month actually wasn’t too bad. I had some nausea and hot flashes, but chalked that up to starting the metformin. By month two I was feeling normal but irritable for sure. I have been seeing my acupuncturist weekly or bi-weekly, and that’s supposed to help keep the crazy in check. A friend told me, “we got pregnant on Clomid, but I’m not sure how. I don’t know how my husband was able to touch me because I was such a jerk.” And I laughed but was grateful that I hadn’t experienced the hormone swings that bad. Yet.
Month 3 has by far been the worst. And I am only nine days into it. Hahahaha as the meds build up in your system, so does the hormone imbalance and all that stuff. It’s great in increasing pregnancy odds. But not so great as I have become a major bitch. Usually I can keep it in check until I get home. Sadly, my husband gets the brunt of my crazy. I think it’s natural for us women to lash out on those closest to us. (It also doesn’t help that he’s the one I’m around the most, so he’s also the one to get under my skin). But this month it has been worse. So much worse. Everyone at the grocery store irritates me, my bestest friends get on my nerves, I am constantly biting down snide remarks or wanting to defend things that don’t need defending. It’s rough. I’m a nice person! So I feel like I’m battling this inner cray person who wants to get out. Which, I guess is true.
I’ve had a few meltdowns involving texts to friends where I cry and complain about how awful I am being and how I can’t stop. How I must be an awful person. And thankfully they remind me of the truth. That we decided to take this path to start our family. That there are meds in my system that are completely shaking up my world. That the meds are ugly and crazy, not me. That I need to stop beating myself up and give myself grace. That is is confusing, and that ok. (I think that’s one of the biggest battles for me — the internal battle of what’s the meds and what’s me, and judging myself the whole time).
So, Clomid. Definitely not an easy choice. Definitely thought it would be easier than this. And definitely thought I would be pregnant by now. But I’ll keep on marching on. And praying. And sharing my journey for those who need to hear it. (Oh yeah, and just FYI the hot flashes and insomnia have come back. Which isn’t helping the whole mood thing either ?).