I have to start this post with a confession. I was not sure if I should write this post. I have been hemming and hawing for the past few days, but I know I made the right decision. You see, I had a chemical pregnancy (technically it is the earliest form of miscarriage) last weekend. It means I got a positive pregnancy test and then lost the pregnancy. It can last for a few days, but mine was only hours. I was not sure if I wanted to write this because this is not a trying to conceive blog (we are, but that’s not what this is about). I did not want this to turn into a place where all I do is whine about how I’m not pregnant (and I am not judging anyone who has a blog about infertility / trying to conceive, that’s just how it would come out if I wrote it). But I did start this blog to share more about my faith. And this story has been such a testament to my faith and to my God that I have to share it.

We have been trying to make a baby for about three years. I have not gotten much testing done (except a trip to a naturopath last year), mostly because I am lazy. I also realize that as much as I desperately want a baby, it just might not be the perfect time. We will be amazing parents, but we have no idea what the next year will hold for us. Will Matt get hired here or up North? Will he still be applying for jobs and start medic school in three years? I could go on, but you get the picture. However, I was not as okay with things in the past. I used to get so distraught EVERY MONTH when I started my period. I would cry if I was a day late and then it started. I was sometimes jealous of friends who got pregnant. It was a rough time. I was so blessed to have a church with women who loved me and listened to me and encouraged me. I was also blessed that they did not just tell me to shut up and stop whining, but lovingly reminded me that God has a plan for me. The past year or so has been a turning point for me. I cannot pinpoint any exact moment, but I do remember sitting with the ladies at church and saying “I know that nothing is wrong with me, but God has a plan for me. I will get pregnant when the time is right.” And knowing that is was God telling me that. I have had an incredible peace ever since then. A close family member got pregnant, and yes, I did cry a bit, but I was able to move on so much faster. I did not sit there in the pit and cry for days because I was not pregnant. I felt God holding me and telling me it was okay, it was not my time.

This describes my soul right now – carefree & at peace!

So then this positive pregnancy test took me by complete surprise. I have never had a positive pregnancy test before, I had never seen two lines. I couldn’t stop shaking. Matt was looking at me like I was crazy, but also totally excited. He told me to calm down, not be anxious, and test again tomorrow to be sure. I had a good two hours where I thought I might actually be pregnant. But then I knew it had not “stuck,” shall I say. I was texting my good friend (who will someday be my birthing coach) throughout the whole thing. She cried over the faint lines, because “a line is a line, no matter how faint,” and then cried when I told her I knew it wasn’t going to last. But I only cried for about 6 minutes. Seriously. Had this happened to me last year, I would probably still be crying (it’s been almost a week). I have a peace in my soul that I cannot explain. I know it comes from my heavenly Father. He has held me so close and so tenderly. I am now tearing up, just thinking about how loving my Heavenly Father is. I did cry when I told the church ladies, but some were tears of joy because their prayers were so precious and dear to my heart. And I was able to go from my pain, to praying another friend through her pain, to rejoicing in prayer with another friend. God is so good, that he gives us the ability to share in each other’s joys and pains. We sang “peace like a river” that night. And it has been running through my mind ever since. I truly do have peace like a river in my soul, and it is oh so amazing. I am not believing the lies that a part of me wants to (aka there is something wrong with you because you cannot carry a baby), but I am holding onto His peace and reflecting on the truth (aka hey at least I know I can conceive)! It still does not feel real, because I feel like I am waiting to crack. I know that this is not an easy situation. I will not always feel carefree like above, but I want to rejoice in it right now. Today, I choose to rest in His arms and His peace.

I could go on and on about this peace I have, but I think this is enough. Thank you for listening. If you need peace, email me or comment and I will pray for you. I want you all to know this peace from above. It’s amazing. It’s life changing. And it’s peaceful. Peace is so much better than strife, my friends.

[Sidenote: Matt has been amazing throughout this as well. He admits that he does not completely understand. It's not his body. He does not feel like his body is fighting against him. He does not have a monthly reminder that he is not pregnant (unless you count my increased moodiness, then yes, he does have a small reminder). But he listens to me. He loves me. And he shares in my pain too -- he wants little Matts and Megans running around just as much as I do.]